What to Do When the Abuser You Love Hurts You Again
By: Bonnie Ronstrom
Willow Life Coaching and Counseling, LLC
Did you stumble on this article because someone that you love mistreated you once again?
Are you trying to ease the unbearable pain you are experiencing?
Perhaps they have cheated again, left again, lied again, hit you again, threatened you again, financially drained you again, or devastated you in one way or another yet again.
Does it feel like they’ve punched you in the stomach, and it’s hard just to breathe?
Does it feel like they’ve grabbed your heart and crushed it with their bare hands?
If so, this is a critical moment, a powerful window of time when you see a glimpse of the truth. During moments like these, you will make a choice once again. The direction you go will not only impact the rest of your life, but it can also change the course of human history!
Think I’m dramatic? Let me explain.
What do you think will happen if you are with this person five years from now, a decade from now, or for the rest of your life?
How many people will this impact?
Down the road of emotional and narcissistic abuse could be the loss of a job, a psychotic breakdown, or a child who commits suicide because of the psychological abuse. Your abuser may take your beloved pet, ruin your career, or leave you destitute. Nothing is off-limits, especially what is most precious to you. Worse yet, if you have children with this person, they may develop narcissism or codependency and perpetuate the cycle of abuse to the next generation.
A toxic person wants us so wrapped up in their existence that we overlook the far-reaching consequences.
Your immense pain has cracked open the door to a place in your mind that holds truth. It’s during times like these that you can faintly hear thoughts and longings running in the background of your mind. They are but a whisper, but they are there.
Deep down, you know that your life has a greater purpose than allowing one person’s insatiable need for power, control, and adoration to deplete all you are and all you have.
You have loud thoughts that are very familiar to you. They work hard day and night to drown out the whispers of the truth. However, these loud thoughts are not bad guys. They are merely trying to help you survive today by creating a delusion that protects you from the gut-wrenching pain, fear, and despair that the truth brings.
The loud thoughts say things to give you fleeting moments of hope, safety, purpose, and love.
But in the end, it doesn’t work.
When the exciting times become fewer and fewer, and your best is simply not enough to keep the abuser from hurting you, you’ll be right back at this point again. When the memories fade of what you thought was their capacity to love, and your best attempts at distraction can’t calm your mind, you’ll be right back at this point again. Your investment in this toxic, abusive relationship won’t reward you with the healthy, loving, and profoundly fulfilling relationship we all want. It will only drain you and rob you of your best years.
Right now, you are marinating with your abuser in a vat of their toxic waste, which is being absorbed deep inside you.
You have other thoughts, too. These are not your own. They come from the liar, deceiver, and abuser who doesn’t want us to believe that we can have a deeply fulfilling life of purpose, and that we are worth so much more than we know.
You are listening to these lies. How do I know this? Because if you truly believed the truth, you couldn’t tolerate how you are treated and the precious energy you are wasting.
“The truth will set you free, but in the meantime, it can make you miserable!”
Your pain has brought you once again to a life-changing moment where you know that you have a choice to make. I know that even considering leaving your abuser may be terrifying because just surviving each day feels like more than you can handle.
Reach out for help.
You might feel trapped because of finances, lack of support, or mutual children.
Reach out for help.
You can’t be on a path that leads to anywhere good and stay where you are.
Staying would be like a soldier trying to heal from bullet wounds in the middle of a battlefield. You can’t stop the war. You can, however, remove yourself from the battle and find a place to heal. That place of healing is never around a toxic person who is re-injuring you over and over.
The decision you make right now will change the trajectory of your life. It’s important. It’s vitally important because your life matters. You are worth so much more than a life of servitude to an abuser.
I’m a certified life coach, victim’s advocate, and pastoral counselor. I specialize in walking toward healing with those harmed by toxicity, narcissism, and spiritual abuse.
My passion is to provide the validation, support, training, and resources individuals and organizations need to overcome the devastating impacts of toxicity and abuse.
Whether you need a one-time consult or a place to heal, I look forward to meeting you and exploring how we can best work together. I work with clients from all over the world through virtual, trauma-informed coaching, Christian counseling (non-medical), groups, training, and consulting services.
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Willow Life Coaching and Counseling, LLC does NOT provide medical services. Please see a licensed medical provider if you need medical and mental health services.