When a victim of emotional or narcissistic abuse seeks support, most people want to help. While we have good intentions, our uninformed Christian responses to narcissistic abuse can significantly increase their suffering. Since we certainly do not want to add to their distress, let us explore ten unhelpful responses to avoid and discover better ways to respond with insight and compassion.
#1
“You need to go to marital counseling.”
“Get marriage counseling” is often the first response Christians give to victims of emotional abuse. The goal of marriage counseling is to help couples work together on building a mutually beneficial, functional relationship. An abusive individual with narcissistic traits lacks the foundational characteristics required to create a healthy relationship with anyone.
For example, before someone can learn how to run a three-legged race, they must know how to walk, run, and tolerate being tied to another individual. No matter how athletic, a toddler cannot be taught how to run a three-legged race because their physical development has not reached the point of coordinating with another person. Similarly, narcissists’ stunted emotional development prevents them from having the capacity to work together with a spouse.
This lack of development will not only make marriage counseling ineffective but will likely end up re-traumatizing the spouse. The counseling setting is not magically immune to the abuser’s manipulative behaviors. Emotional abuse by a covert abuser is often invisible to everyone but the victim. Even counselors specializing in covert abuse can be fooled by these master manipulators. The information the abuser gleans during the session can be used later to punish, manipulate, and control their spouse. What should be a safe space for the victim ends up being harmful.
Survivors have found that many well-intentioned Christian friends, family members, and spiritual leaders relentlessly pressure them to seek marital counseling. When they resist, sometimes they are accused of being unwilling to forgive or do their part in a restoration process. Naturally, they may feel ashamed, judged, and helpless to explain that they protect themselves by setting healthy boundaries.
A helpful response is to support a victim’s need to seek safe, individual healing resources.
#2
“You must stay in the marriage to demonstrate your belief that God can change anyone.”
When a victim leaves their spouse and does not stay in contact, some Christians believe the victim is ruling out any possibility of God changing their abuser. Some go as far as to blame the victim for robbing their spouse of the hope they need to fuel the hard work of change. However, a victim leaving does not prevent an abusive spouse from working toward change.
The point of no contact is to stop the abuse so the victim can move out of just surviving and start to heal. They are leaving the battlefield where they are continually wounded and finding a safe place to recover.
A helpful response is to support a victim’s decision to limit or end contact. Do not question their faith or obedience to God simply because they are not currently in touch with their abuser.
#3
“Are you sure it was abuse? I have never seen them be abusive.”
Many victims report that other Christians are still minimizing emotional abuse and responding differently than they would if it was physical abuse. Some have faced intense questioning about the abuse with the intent to find ways to minimize it. People might ask,
“You were just scared and thought something might happen, right?”
“Do you think they know you were frightened?”
“They have not even laid hands on you once, have they?”
Victims have typically spent a long time minimizing and rationalizing the abuse. Once they have come to accept what is happening as abuse, it is not helpful to ask them to spend their time and energy on proving it to you in hopes of gaining the comfort, support, and protection they desperately need.
A helpful response is to believe them and respond as you would if their spouse had punched them in the face repeatedly.
#4
“You need to be honest and clearly communicate with them.”
This message tells the victims that their failure to be open, honest, and articulate causes the abuse. One of the favorite manipulative tactics of emotional abusers is to flip the script. They assume the victim role by claiming their spouse is unfair, unclear, unresponsive, or confusing. Abusers will tell others lies like, “They blindsided me. I am in the dark. They just left without telling me anything.” These are all manipulations designed to convince others the abuser is helpless and a victim of mistreatment by their spouse.
In reality, victims have spent excessive amounts of energy explaining to the abuser why their behavior is problematic. They have faced threats, psychological warfare, and berating because of their efforts to communicate. Their spouse has heard them, but they shift the blame instead of correcting their behavior. Meaningful communication is not possible with an abuser who does not have the goal to understand or change, even if they adamantly claim they do.
A helpful response would be to let the victim know you understand how manipulators try to paint themselves as helpless victims. Let them know you do not buy into this narrative. We are all responsible for ourselves and independently addressing our destructive behaviors.
#5
“If you work harder to find out what they need and meet those needs, they will not get so frustrated all the time.”
Family, friends, and even some counselors tell victims that discovering what their spouse really needs and learning how to meet those needs is the key to addressing the abuse. They theorize that if the abusive spouse gets their needs met, they will not resort to abuse. While this might temporarily help, it can worsen the abuse in the long term. Pastors and counselors working with the abuser falsely believe their methods are effective. This can give the victim a false sense of security and lead them back into a vulnerable position.
The changes will not last because the foundational issues driving the abusive behaviors are unchanged. Even the “nice” behavior harms the victim because it is for a manipulative purpose, and the victim will feel duped and betrayed again. Even worse, when the abuse resumes, outsiders might join the abuser in blaming the victim for not continuing to fulfill their responsibilities in the marriage.
Abusive behaviors like gaslighting, projection, manipulation, and devaluation are not caused by dynamics in the relationship. They are caused by the foundational deficits and abusive behaviors of the abuser. An abuser wants their victim and everyone around them to think that if their spouse stops upsetting them and better attends to their needs, their behavior will change. The truth is that a victim does not make their spouse abuse them, and even if they attend to every need of the abuser, the abuse will not stop.
A helpful response is to not question the victim’s efforts in the marriage but believe them if they say they tried everything possible to please their spouse. You can remind them that narcissistic abusers have a bottomless well that nobody can fill. Until these abusers recognize their need for God to heal and fill them up, they will search relentlessly for something no human can provide.
It is vital for those offering Christian responses to narcissistic abuse to understand that meeting the abuser’s needs will never resolve the core problem. Abuse is not caused by a lack of service or understanding. It stems from deeply rooted patterns that only truth, accountability, and healing can address.
